substitute

From the always reliable exploding aardvark, possibly the best lede of all time:

A jazz musician was injured Friday after jumping from a burning motor home driven by a one-time roller skating stripper from Lodi.

http://www.lodinews.com/articles/2007/02/25/news/4_motorhome_070224.txt

From torgo_x in another thread, the answer to the question: "What do those right-wing evangelicals want, anyway?":

~ What they want ~

They wanna meet the President of Jesus and tour the Holiness Factory and all the oompa loompas are wearing nice suits and smiling and it looks like a set from Dynasty on the TV except it's real, and then James Baker runs up and gives them a kissykiss and everyone giggles, and everyone gonna getta big chocolate Jesus with magic gold USA flag wrapper yaaay.

Then all sortsa Jewwwws and gayinese commniststs and Alkalaidas show up and say "gawwd, we were so... [sobbing] SO WRONG! And you were right! SUPERSORRY!" and there's hugging and crying and Dr Phil is there to make sure it's all very solemn/joyous. Except the Alkalaini, he goes "yalalala" and hits his detonator button, ohno! But his chestbomb thing comically goes "PFFFT!", and he cries and runs away all spazzy and everyone laughs at him REALLY LOUD. (The Oompa Loompas will catch him and lynch him. Applause.)

Then everyone gets a gift bag of "victory swag" and they're all instantly [special effect!] wearing the clever "GOT JESUS???" etc t-shirts. So from now on, everyone will treat them like they're smart and popular! And the air conditioning never breaks.

And one of the 'Loomps gives a happy speech and everyone smiles and claps.

And then it's off to a special advance screening of Apocalypto!!

In an aquarium full of lube. Forever.

The Exploding Aardvark linked me to a YouTube of a dark, wonderful, darker, incredible, meaty Kids In The Hall sketch: SAUSAGES!!!!

This is how I imagine odradak's life in Portland, somehow.

Fed up posing in front of the mirror strumming a tennis racket? Still searching in vain for the lost chord? Help is on hand for all aspiring rock gods thanks to Fender® and Intel, who’ve teamed up to create a concept guitar that explores the possibilities and redefines the term ‘music on the move’ – an internet-enabled super guitar**.”

Beginning with the iconic FENDER Telecaster ® - made famous by legends from Bruce Springsteen to Franz Ferdinand – the ‘surf guitar’ is the world’s first to allow you to download and playback your favourite riffs from the internet without touching the strings, so you can sound like Bo Diddley while doing diddly-squat.

Incorporating the latest Intel® Centrino® Mobile technology, the supercharged TELE® also means players can:

• Send a quick email in-between songs on stage
  
• Scour the web for inspiration… or chords they’ve forgotten
  
• Practice their guitar solo grimaces via a built in webcam
  
• Check their royalties online

[...]
Simon Shipley, UK and Ireland Brand Manager said: “Forty years after the first surf guitar sounds came out of California, a new generation of ‘surfing guitars’ have been born.”

“With this guitar, it doesn’t matter if you’re Joe Walsh or Joe Bloggs, you’ll sound just as good once you get this guitar online, download a few of your favourite tracks, and strike a pose in front of the mirror. And if you’re already halfway to becoming a rock legend, this guitar will help you to record, playback and email your music to your agent, your band, or just your mates with the minimum hassle.

http://www.intel.com/cd/corporate/pressroom/emea/eng/248418.htm