substitute: (lamers)
Attention to the following groups of people:
  • Bar owners
  • Movie screencap posters
  • Homeowners with new large televisions
  • Video website owners
  • Video uploaders to said sites
  • Home video enthusiasts

I mean if you want to spend four figures on a piece of equipment and misuse it it's your deal but I have to look at this one. Stretching everything so it reaches the edge of the screen is not the same as making it look good. And why the fuck would you want to post a screencap online of your favorite movie with everyone looking like they're in a God-damned funhouse?


Okay whew. None of this is important. But somehow lately the unimportant things are the easiest ones to yell about.
substitute: (victory gin)
I remember when these dumb TV screens showed up at Diedrich Coffee and a couple of other places, and they had a crawl with news and some ads on them and not too much else, and clearly it was held together with house ads and fear, and soon, we knew, it would be gone. Because who would put something like that in a coffeehouse?

Or... a bookstore...

tv in a bookstore

Obviously these must be placed in libraries, houses of worship, operating rooms, aircraft cockpits, day care centers, campgrounds, and cemeteries as soon as possible.
substitute: (heavens gate)
Courtesy [ profile] klikitak, some apparent placeholder text on Ms. Rachael Ray's website for her "heirloom recipe" submission form.

for when it's taken down )

I for one would pay good money to watch Ms. Ray lead a UFO death cult into oblivion.
substitute: (network)
CBS Was Warned on "Kid Nation," Documents Show

Four children received medical treatment for accidentally drinking bleach, one child was burned on her face with hot grease while cooking in an unsupervised kitchen, and most of the children were required to work 14 hours or longer per day.

CBS officials had used the "camp" designation to characterize the reality show in discussions with parents.

CBS contended the children were not employees because they were not performing specific work for specific wages.
Bonus points: The Attorney General investigating the event is named "Buzzard."

I think they intended to recreate Lord of the Flies but the effect was more Kamp Krusty. For this kind of bad publicity they should have at least got one or two pig heads on a stick, if not a full Battle Royale.

I suggest SURVIVOR: EXPOSED! in which infants will be left on mountaintops. As the show progresses, we find out which ones survive, raised by wolves, and return to the city to wreak a terrible vengeance.
substitute: (jerry)
Charles Nelson Reilly was one of my favorite people when I was a little kid.

substitute: (kermit flail)
The security "expert" who ran amok on the O'Reilly show about lesbian gangs forcing children into the "homosexual lifestyle" was forced to issue a retraction on his site, which is called and sounds like a gay porn flick. His response manages to retain the crazy (lesbian gangs? what the...) but weasels out of the extreme crazy. He also of course links to a nutcase racist hate mail he received in order to show how unpleasant his enemies are and of course reveals the guy's email address so everyone can dogpile on him. Smooth. The text is here since he will no doubt remove it from his site as soon as he can:
Contact Rod Wheeler:

Clarification and apology:

First of all, let me thank you for your feedback surrounding the O'Reilly Factor discussion on Lesbian Gangs. I received several e-mails from viewers, some positive and some negative, offering comments and constructive criticisms. Some of the e-mails I received were threatening and simply hostile. Click here for a sample e-mail I received from one viewer.

During the O’Reilly Factor segment on June 21st, while engaged in a discussion on Lesbian gangs, I inadvertently stated that gang members carry pistols that are painted pink and call themselves the "Pink Pistol Packing Group." I was not referring to the gay rights group "Pink Pistols" who advocates for the lawful rights of gays to carry weapons for protection. Further, I mentioned that there are "over 150 of these gangs" in the greater Washington DC area. What I actually meant is that there are over 150 gangs in the Washington DC area, some of which are in fact lesbian gangs. Lastly, I mentioned in the segment that there is this "national epidemic" of lesbian gangs. A better choice of words would have been to say that there is a growing concern nationally, and especially in major urban areas, of increased gang activity, which includes some lesbian gang activity.

I apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused.


Rod Wheeler
substitute: (legion badge)
This is probably not news to anyone who watches TV but I just saw a commercial for the American Association of Retired Persons that used the Buzzcocks for its background music.
substitute: (ahpuch)
I didn't go to [ profile] klikitak's thing tonight, partly because I am a social anxiety poster child lately and partly because I didn't want to get extruded through my own car by drunk people going to L.A. and back. Instead I ended up at [ profile] realitylost's where she and Craig stuffed me with really great food and their dogs sat on me. One of the many reasons to like Craig is that he is serious about food. O garlic bread, O cobbler.

I meant to go over and hang with [ profile] burntcurtis for a few later but a quick trip across the boulevard revealed that his entire neighborhood had been parked upon by partiers. Tonight is official Adult Halloween Party Night, and everyone was getting smashed, with pumpkins. A couple of his neighbors were incompetently necking in the condo complex and I nearly ran them down. She was wearing a slutty noun costume and he was in a rapist costume (pirate, soldier, Haidl, dunno). He was trying to paw her while simultaneously bracing a 24 pack of beer on his hip and she was trying to do the coy push-away-only-not but instead stumbling in front of my car. Two cheers for Halloween; it's now Daterapemas!

Part of the time at Susie & Craig's tonight the TV was on. I hadn't seen the History Channel in a long time. Wow is it dumb! The supposed academic guy referred to the "Cape of Africa" (?) and they spelled Gibraltar wrong, and the show about the history of dragons spent a full segment talking to a couple of lunatics who believed that dragons existed and waved broadswords while saying they were druids.

One of their neighbors has a license plate holder that says "Foamer Forever." Anyone know what that means?
substitute: (binky)
A couple of weeks ago I turned on the TV and stared into it for a few hours. It's not my favorite medium, but occasionally I get this urge to watch real crap TV, the equivalent of stale Twinkies.

So, of course, I was watching "reality." In this case, it was one of the many Cops-type police "reality" shows. This one was done in the cheapest possible way. All the footage was taken from the video cameras in cop cars that record vehicle stops. I assume this film was all either free or for a nominal charge since it's in the public domain. They had that loud asshole ex-cop guy as the "host", the one who does this on half these shows, but only voiceover. They weren't going to pay him screen time.

Most of it was typical "greatest hits of the car cam" stuff. Guy pulls over and runs away. Guy fights cop. Guy is real drunk. And then, suddenly, beauty.

The cop was chasing this beat up ol' truck who wouldn't pull over. The announcer, in a fit of tragic irony, mentioned several times that the cop didn't know this guy had just been cheated on by his wife and was being all crazy and stuff. Chase fun ensued, and finally the guy pulled over. Then he wouldn't get out of the car. So far this was typical crap.

Then of course he tried to back into the cop and there was lots of stuff in reverse and yelling. Finally he got out of the car but clearly wanted a fight. He charged the cop and they grappled,

Whoo! Out of nowhere came another car which screeched to a halt. A guy got out of the car and joined the fight helping the cop. The announcer informed us that this was a heroic retired cop helping a brother in need. However, things weren't going well for our heroes, since Angry Man was big, and really angry. This is when the beauty occurred.

Another car arrived and out burst A REALLY FAT MAN IN A RED AND WHITE STRIPED SHIRT AND A BIG SILLY HAT WITH A TASSEL ON IT! This man came roaring out of the left frame, grappled Angry Man, and then fell on top of him, immobilizing him. Cop & Bro were able to cuff Angry Man.

I swear this guy looked like Where's Waldo with Obelix's build. He was Comic Fat Man from Central Casting. He obviously gets up this morning and says "Time to put on my comic fat guy suit!"

Big Fat Guy in Striped Shirt needs his own shoe. Every week, the kids or the cops at the precinct will get in a big jam, and things will look pretty bad, and then BLAMMO! Outa fucking nowhere comes Big Fat Guy in a Striped Shirt and Silly Hat and saves the day! If possible he should save said day by falling on stuff, leaning on stuff, sitting on stuff, or otherwise using gravity and mass to his advantage. He could fall out of closets Fibber McGee style or roll down hills, or even crash through the ceiling.

I like Fat Guy in a Striped Shirt. I hope he shows up if I'm ever in trouble.
substitute: (gene)
spirit of truth

The Exploding Aardvark, via her posts, has introduced me to the only televangelist the matters: THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH.

Note: extreme profanity in audio.
substitute: (bob)
We're here today to celebrate each other. Let's all have a big hand for all of us. All of you! Yeah!

I don't like to call these "seminars". They're FUNinars. Because what's the most fun in life? Succeeding. And succeeding is what we're going to do today. I'd like you to go ahead and look at your handouts now.

The real beauty of this system is how simple and fast it is. Ordinary people in their own homes — yes, like you — can build multiple streams of income within weeks by following these simple worksheets and videos.

If you're not interested in building wealth, if you're not interested in becoming a millionaire, then you can just change the channel and walk away. This program is only for people who are ready for serious financial improvement in their lives today.

You can date beautiful model-quality women every week. And it's not hard. Think I'm crazy? Think again. Relationships are a science like everything else, and any guy can learn the inside tricks and secret rules of sex today. You knew something was missing all along, didn't you? This is it.

There are a billion business opportunities out there, and as an entrepreneur you're going to ask yourself: which one is best for me? Well there's one thing that everyone can agree on: Mr. Pickly's Deli-Quik is a franchise that's here to stay — and here to pay!

You know, this is my favorite way to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Why? I'll tell you why. Because everybody wins! Are you ready to win today? Are you ready to be a millionaire? Can I get a YEAH? Everyone, you've been awesome. There are tables at the entrances, and we'll be coming around.


Apr. 2nd, 2006 02:38 pm
substitute: (squid)
The Exploding Aardvark linked me to a YouTube of a dark, wonderful, darker, incredible, meaty Kids In The Hall sketch: SAUSAGES!!!!

This is how I imagine [ profile] odradak's life in Portland, somehow.
substitute: (ratfink)

There is one achievement of the last century that will stand without a doubt, and that is the 1980s era Toyota minitruck. In this Google video you see this greatness made manifest, as Jeremy Clarkson and crew do their best to destroy a 100,000 mile+ former farm truck with impact, seawater, fire, and other things.

Every broke person I hung out with in the 80s and early 90s drove one of these things. I'd buy one today. [ profile] pbd had one that later [ profile] the_silent_one had too. That was a 1980, wasn't it? Greg's was an '88 and he put 100,000 miles of L.A. messenger/courier work on it before he sold it. The Chadian army blew up Libyan tanks with them. They. Will. Not. Die.

Is the Tacoma still that good, I wonder?
substitute: (lamers)
Thanks to [ profile] hydrozoa for pointing me to [ profile] slit's spot on smackdown of Sex and the City.

I knew I couldn't stand that show but I didn't yet know exactly why. Now I do! Thanks, [ profile] slit!
substitute: (Default)
This week's Wittenburg Door newsletter alerts us to the fact that the web version of "God Stuff" archives this week has not only clips from Carman's Bond-style thriller, but also the all time best clip from Benny Hinn's wife offering a Holy Ghost... oh, I won't spoil it.
substitute: (Default)
It was announced yesterday that the new National Clandestine Service, which will oversee our nation's spying, will be headed by an unknown individual who will be known only as "José". Immediately I heard flamenco music in my head, saw the shimmering heat of a Mexican town at the turn of the century, heard hoofbeats. A masked hero was racing to save us: ¡Zorro! However, given the track record of this administration, I doubt we'll get Don Diego.

Here's what we want:

Here's what we more realistically should hope for:

And here's what we'll get:

substitute: (asphalt)
[ profile] torgo_x calls my attention to THE DEVIL'S OWN TELEVISION NETWORK, which has such programs as:

Jasper the Mule ("The best thing I can do for mules and donkeys is to introduce them to children in a positive way.")

Classic Tractor Fever ("When the tractor owner pointed out the unique charac- teristics of the engine, the red eye of the camera focused on the engine. If the tractor featured steel lugs rather than rubber tires, the video focused on the lugs. And so on.")

And of course Polka America with Jimmy Sturr:


substitute: (Default)

May 2009

      1 2
3 456 78 9


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags