substitute

I am in a crabby mood because I blew off some things I shouldn't have, and because I got sunburned on one side of my face due to inattention, and because weltschmerz. Therefore I would like to point out that this U.S. holiday called "Memorial Day" is the original day of remembrance for the dead of the U.S. Civil War, which was the worst thing ever to happen in this country, and which we should remember because so many people died or had their lives wrecked. And that the day we call Veterans Day was originally Armistice Day because it commemorated the end of the Great War which was the worst thing ever to happen in the entire world, and which we should remember because so many tens of millions of people died or had their lives wrecked.

And finally that the day our current administration wishes to call Patriot Day commemorates a disastrous terrorist attack on our nation and the final irreversible step from republic into empire, forever.

Hail Caesar and have a nice barbecue.

I elfed myself, and the results are on the elf yourself site here. My first try was a pretty boring Internet joke, so I decided to go back and do it for real.

If that link doesn't work, I put the video online. Streaming is here: http://www.masculinehygiene.com/elf.html and download is here: http://www.masculinehygiene.com/d/m/elf.mov

It's got to be that time again. The crisp air, the evergreen smells, the approaching drums of advertising... Could it be, already? Is it upon us so soon? Why yes! It's time once again for the annual

WAR ON CHRISTMAS!



chaaaaarge

So, not going to L.A. today after all. Plan B: Sit in back yard with iced tea and a good book, listening to explosions. So if anyone wants to share THAT experience with me, let me know!

Dear the Marketing-Industrial Complex:

I was dismissed from UCLA for poor academic performance in 1986 during a severe and nearly fatal depression.

My father died suddenly in 1993.

Fuck you,

substitute

I forgot to celebrate CRAPMAS this year!

Let's just go ahead and call that a good thing.

In no particular order:

"Revive Lupercalia instead. Don't forget the goat and dog sacrifice!"

"Sex at the zoo!"

"Ironic 'my funny valentine party' wherein we all get drunk and make warped, disgusting cards for each other."

"Book table for 2 @Spago, act disappointed when 2nd party is no show, enjoy dinner, leave backpack bomb under table, dash out on check, enjoy explosion from safe distance."

The list is here at the poll results.

"Other" was the winner by a long shot, followed by "Spasmodic, bonobo-like masturbation", "Pure bitter bile, straight no chaser", and "Transgressive BDSM orgy with harem of doe-eyed, slinky ingenues".

That last one does sound awesome but presents logistical difficulties. The first one is easy enough, though. Why if I had a dollar for...

This year I am once again grateful for my family's behavior at holiday times. I grew up agnostic, so there was never any religious pressure. Christmas was a gift exchange and a couple of nice meals, and it still is. The most frequent verb I see this week is "survive", as in "surviving the holidays" or "survived my family again". There's tremendous stress about food, gifts, the presence of difficult relatives, and every kind of parent/child conflict. People don't eat the food their parents eat any more, or the gifts are too much or not enough money, or the gifts have been a form of warfare for 20 years, or Uncle Ted is a racist, or Dad always asks the boyfriend if he's going to be anybody ever, or or or.

And more seriously some people I know go into a major PTSD mode during the "holidays" because their childhoods were so gothically horrible that memories of family togetherness are a symptom rather than a pleasant reverie.

It's a big joke in our culture that holidays are a stressful mess and that everyone is miserable and drunk, etc. "Surviving the holidays" in every way is the goal. It's linked in my mind with the "Safe" thing, e.g. "Have a safe holiday!". It's sort of assumed that you'll hate the whole thing, drink like a fish and pop pills, and die in a 7-car pileup on some snowy turnpike, thereby causing what the newspapers inaccurately call a "tragedy".

My family's troubles are constant, ongoing, and subtle. We don't have screaming matches or drunken rampages, no one hits anyone, and we don't say nuclear weapon phrases like "I don't love you". We may undermine for years at a time, or be unreasonably irritable, or fail to connect in some dispiriting way. There are conflicts and painful situations that aren't allowed to be mentioned or discussed.

But we don't have "holiday" stress. Despite all my complaints about my psyche and my issues, I'm very grateful for my family 99% of the time. My heart goes out to everyone who has to Survive instead of relaxing around now.