substitute

You know what you really don't want if you live in an impoverished sub-saharan African country? Well, obviously you don't want flies laying eggs in your eyes or dysentery. One other think you don't want is asshole famous rich people deciding to have a child there becauses it would be special.

Go find yourself at the Beverly Hills Hotel and let Namibia alone. Or just write a check. Jerks.

Current Mood: annoyed

I try not to to be too hard on hack writers most of the time. It's hard to make a living in journalism, and a lot of jobs are at boring and stultifying industry house organs or shilltalk ad rags. These are people who wanted to be ink-stained front page reporters or film critics and they get to write about aluminum foil or fabulous getaway weekends. Sometimes, though, they cross a line. This piece, from a credit card company's luxury travel magazine, is... well, I'll pay you a quarter if you read the whole thing straight through. It's for our local South County seaside resort, and the writers decided that instead of the usual luxury porn template that bored them so, they'd use an alternative literary form for thier puff piece: A film script! Because that's what they really wanted to do anyway.

( THE SCRIPT )

Current Mood: horny

In my part of Orange County, affordable housing is rare. One of the disappearing features of the landscape is the trailer park. We used to have quite a few around here but one by one they're disappearing to be replaced with more familiar suburban things like parking lots and office buildings. The one down the street from me exists solely because the land is owned by a family that is resistant to change and has lots of money already, for example.

Until recently there was a trailer park on the campus of UC Irvine, where my father was charter faculty in 1965. The University, being college administrators, needed a new parking lot, so off it went. But not after some spirited student resistance from ornery and inventive graduate students!

A film has been made of the last days of Irvine Meadows West: http://trailerparkfilm.com/

I recommend seeing the trailer. It's a bit hippiebongoburningman but gives a good idea of the scene. One of my college friends from the 80s, Maggie Sullivan, was involved in this scene but I don't see her in the trailer. I mean the movie trailer, not the actual trailers in the movie about trailers.

Current Mood: awake

So, you remember the guy who wiped out at 162 mph on PCH in Malibu in an ultra-rare Ferrari? Right. And he turned out to be a Swedish criminal and failed video game entrepreneur? Right. And now it turns out that the guy he was racing, another Swedish criminal, had a house full of illegal guns and was arrested for using a fake cop ID to avoid background checks? Right. And that the fake cop ID was from the San Gabriel Valley Transit Authority, who represent themselves as a Homeland Security police organization because they give rides to old people? Right.

Hey, guess what! These guys have ties to our own Orange County Sheriff! The guy who tried to cover up the gang rape of a 15 year old girl because his buddy's son did it! The guy who additionally covered up the kid's crimes during his trial! And, of course, the guy who hands out deputy badges and guns to all the boys in the back room so they can crank off shots at miscellaneous citizens at the golf course or over a parking space! Turns out one of those guns from one of those guys ended up in Big Steve Eriksson's house, along with the other guns that, as a foreign national and a felon, he's not allowed to have. Gosh. Mike Carona, what sleaze have you NOT been involved in this year?

Deputy's Gun Is Latest Twist in Ferrari Crash
The weapon of an O.C. reserve officer is found in a raid at the home of the car's alleged driver.
By Richard Winton and Christine Hanley
Times Staff Writers

April 26, 2006

Detectives are trying to figure out why a handgun belonging to a reserve deputy for the Orange County Sheriff's Department was found at the Bel-Air mansion of the former European video game executive accused of crashing a rare Ferrari Enzo in Malibu in February.

Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies confiscated the gun during a raid at the home of Bo Stefan Eriksson, who faces grand theft, embezzlement and DUI charges related to the accident.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: disappointed

Scenes from the class struggle on Pacific Coast Highway, Lady Bountiful:

I was sitting in my car at a busy intersection in Huntington Beach, and a woman pulled up next to me in a giant Escalade. I looked over at her because she was flayling her arms about while she was on one of those "important" cell phone calls one has while in the car. She was blinged from here to eternity, her diamonds almost BLINDED me. Her hair was bleached, her skin was orange, and her sunglasses were Gucci. Fo shizzle.
So anyway, I am looking at this woman and she suddenly opens her car door. Like, at the light, she just opens her door.
I'm thinking, so she's going to dump out some old water or something?
NO.
Change. I mean, she took the ashtray full of SILVER MONEY and dumped it on the ground and drove away.
MONEY.
ON THE GROUND.
LIKE TRASH.

I'm so glad our boys are over there protecting our Way of Life.

Current Mood: sleepy

I'm on call, the system for which I'm responsible blows up and needs restarting about every 2 hours, and it's not getting fixed any time soon. This is similar to having a baby without the poo but also without the promise of a future. If this goes on all night tonight I am going to be Lieutenant Colonel Grumpy Q. Asshole of the Royal Annoyance Force tomorrow.

I genuinely like prunes. You're not supposed to, because they're funny (P sound, associated with shitting and old people). But I really like them.

I saw two Bentley coupés, a Ferrari 612 Scaglietta, a Lamborghini Gallardo, and a Maserati Quattroporte on the road today. The wealth around here is approaching Kuwaiti levels. As a spectator sport it's fascinating. I saw the larval form of a soccer mom today at Trader Joe's. She was about 19, probably an OCC or Vanguard student, fake 'n' bake tan, very skinny, pants slipping off hips, Hollister sweatshirt. She was purchasing three bottles of tequila, eight avocados, and an energy bar. She left in a late model BMW two-door.

The kids working for minimum at the fast food joint I went to were so genuinely friendly, upbeat, and competent that it broke my heart, after seeing her zoom off into her perfect life.

Would you rather always be right, or always get the truth?

Current Mood: sleepy

Defense lawyer/supervillain/accused bailbond fraudster Joseph Cavallo is included in a lawsuit by the Jane Doe victim in the Haidl Gang-Rape Case. He's responded as expected; with threats and hints of blackmail. Meanwhile, it's clear that L.A. Times' columnist Dana Parsons has completely and permanently disgraced himself with his coverage. I know that columnists are more "personal" in their approach than daily news journalists, but letting your seething misogyny ruin analysis of a gang rape case that highlights the bizarre world of Orange County wealthy teens and reveals corruption and collusion all the way to the top of County government is... lame.

But back to Cavallo. Clearly, if he's included in this lawsuit, then that little bitch is going to find out what happens when you fuck with Joe Cavallo! Why, he's going to tell the ENTIRE SCHOOL what a SLUT she is, and she'll never get to have lunch with the popular girls again! Dude, she was raped with a Snapple bottle and she's after blood. I don't think you can do much worse to her now. Go ahead and release your terrible revenge upon the town of Springfield.

Attorney vows SoCal sex assault victim will regret suing him

ASSOCIATED PRESS

1:50 a.m. March 20, 2006

SANTA ANA – The attorney for one of three young men sentenced to prison for the videotaped sexual assault of an unconscious teenage girl vows that the victim and her family will regret naming him as a defendant in a $26 million civil lawsuit.

“They're going to rue the day they brought me into this case,” said Joseph G. Cavallo, who represented Gregory Haidl, son of a former Orange County assistant sheriff.

Haidl, 20, and co-defendants Keith Spann and Kyle Nachreiner, both 21, were sentenced earlier this month to six years in state prison stemming from the July 2002 incident.

The civil lawsuit filed in December by the victim, now 20, names as defendants her attackers, Cavallo and two defense investigators, John Warren and Shawn Smigel.

The victim, known only as Jane Doe, alleges that Cavallo and the investigators harassed and intimidated her by staking out her Rancho Cucamonga house, improperly obtaining her medical records and revealing her identity, among other things.

“We're taking these people to task about what they did,” said her attorney, Sheldon Lodmer. “They crossed the line in terms of appropriate legal defense.”

Cavallo said he did nothing wrong. He denied Jane Doe's claim that investigators screamed out her name at her new school and said they had to stake out her home to serve her parents with court papers.

He characterized the lawsuit as “revenge” and said that during the civil trial, his defense will include bringing up new information about Jane Doe's past.

“By the time I get done with Jane Doe, the case won't be worth $10. I know more about Jane Doe than her lawyer and her family,” Cavallo said.

Haidl, Spann and Nachreiner were convicted last year of 15 felony counts for sexually assaulting the then-16-year-old victim with lighted cigarettes, a pool cue, a Snapple bottle and a juice can as she lay nude and unconscious on a pool table at the home of Haidl's father, who was not present.

During the criminal trial, Cavallo and other defense attorneys portrayed the victim as an emotionally troubled, promiscuous, would-be porn star who faked unconsciousness on the tape.

Lodmer said he anticipated Cavallo would attack his client.

“I'm sure he will use this opportunity, and she's ready to stand up to it,” Lodmer said.

Current Mood: blank

From We Make Money Not Art, a collection of nonlethal weapons for winning at the office game: The Woodpecker! The Firefly! The Cateye!

Current Mood: sleepy

Idling at Kéan with Mike (used to have a big black beard Mike) today, I saw a stream of Newport Beach stereotypes including:

85-year-old man with perfectly trimmed white beard parking a brand new $200,000 200mph Porsche Turbo sports car, which I then observed to have an automatic transmission
A young woman of classic magazine cover head-turning beauty accompanied by two rich and tough-looking beefy older guys. The three of them were having a business meeting, no doubt about her career. They toasted one another with Bubble-Up. The two guys looked serious the way Mafia guys look serious. She looked depressed, which in someone with her looks comes out as a pouty, puppyish yearning look. She smiled once, revealing 47 very bright white teeth.
This woman's Ghost of Newport Past showed up, too: a 14-year-old future model, all dressed up in fluffy sweater and tight jeans and slightly-too-grownup heels. Same perfect model face. Her mother was identical and 35, with a very hard and focused look to her.
An assortment of very large expensive cars with grilles on the front that looked like BIG MONSTER FANG TEETH MOUTHS. Each of these cars was larger than the others. Several very large diesel trucks driven by small, finely-built men in pressed jeans are included in this category.
One 80something gentleman all covered in liver spots and combover who was trying to guide in his friend Mike to the place. He kept getting the names of things wrong, and telling Mike that he wanted to meet him at Plums but they had an hour wait "even after I told them who you ARE". There were at least five of these calls. Two other people showed up to sit with Liver Spots but Mike never showed. His dog, an ancient cocker spaniel named Annie, was doing about as well as he was and kept walking into things like brick walls and trees and then harrumphing.
An outrrrrrageously Italian employee of Kéan. This guy was maybe 30 and looked a lot like Antonio Banderas. He was wearing the kind of lacy, frilly shirt that only guys from the Mediterranean can wear. He was slightly sweaty and had a huge 500,000 watt grin and whooshy airy hair that he held back with a headband. I don't know how he carried it off, but he was every housewife's dream European waiter/lover. Jean-Luc!

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Blame It On The Sun - Stevie Wonder

I did as

bigraoul suggested and put the fraud watch on my account with one of the big three credit agencies. Now if someone wants to open a credit account with my info the merchant has to verify it more carefully. For anyone else interested, the info for US people is at http://www.consumer.gov/idtheft/con_steps.htm

Special note to

douglain: One of the charges I accidentally listed as fraudulent was the Amazon charge for ordering your book. This may lead to literary/financial/bureaucratic yucks later on as I try to rectify this. Watch out for black helicopters; there's no telling how far They will go investigating these things.

In related news I recently got a credit card from Robinsons-May, one of our local department store chains. The information that came with the card listed two possible interest rates that might apply to it, without specifying which was currently mine. There was also no credit limit listed. Hey, I think I'll go buy a suit that I may not be allowed to buy, and in doing so take out a loan at an unknown rate! I LIKE SHOPPING!

torgo_x forwarded the most clear and forceful explanation of how really bad mortgage ideas work, and why the current situation can't end well. Math is hard, and optimism is easy. I'd guess a lot of the people who do this think of themselves as risk-takers who are going to win. I wish them all luck tripling their incomes in the next five years.

I wonder what the impact of a really bad housing crash would have in Orange County. Not only is real estate development a big local industry, but that whole slimy subprime mortgage business is mostly here too. So much so that we refer to big-spending young guys who party hard as "mortgage bro's".

If there's no more money for the next swathe of terra cotta boxes in Temecula, and no more spiffs for selling predatory refi's to hicks, and no more interest-only ARM crazy home loans to sell, that's a big chunk of the local wealth just flat fucking gone. It could be as bad as the Great Defense Slump of the 1970s, which was a carnival of suicidal dads, boarded up ranch-style homes, and 40 year old draftsmen lining up for government aid and retraining programs. Oh by the way, those are gone now because we didn't need them in the New Economy. Whoo boy.

Personal Rate of Return from 01/01/2005 to 12/30/2005 is 0.5%

Thanks to

hydrozoa for pointing me to

slit's spot on smackdown of Sex and the City.

I knew I couldn't stand that show but I didn't yet know exactly why. Now I do! Thanks,

slit!

...without grim film noir news from Downtown Los Angeles. Of course the story doesn't point out that the reason all the "services" for indigent people are in Skid Row is to keep them bottled up there, in one of the world's most dangerous square miles. I used to talk to homeless guys downtown who wouldn't go to the missions because they thought they might not make it through the murderers, stuff on fire, other murderers, etc.

Hospitals send patients to L.A.'s skid row

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Three hospitals acknowledged putting discharged patients with nowhere else to go into taxicabs heading to the city's downtown skid row, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Representatives of Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center, Kaiser Permanente West Los Angeles and Martin Luther King Jr./Drew Medical Center said they were helping patients because skid row offers their best chance of getting services and shelter. They said patients are sent to skid row only if they are healthy enough.

"One of the challenges is that there are very few places that will take patients coming out of the hospital, even when they are medically cleared," said Mehera Christian, a spokeswoman for Kaiser Permanente Metro Los Angeles. "There are just a scarce number of places in the community to assist our homeless."

The hospitals were the first to acknowledge delivering people to skid row. A Los Angeles Police Department report had accused the three hospitals and several suburban law enforcement agencies of leaving homeless people and criminals downtown. The suburban departments deny the accusation.

LAPD officials agreed that the hospitals have few other choices, but said the practice only adds to grim conditions on skid row. They disputed the hospitals' assertion that the patients were always ready for release.

Earlier this week, city and state officials pledged a new fight against problems in the neighborhood, including drug dealing that police say generates roughly one-fifth of the city's drug arrests.

Officials at the three hospitals said they don't simply dump the patients.

Hospital social workers usually meet with patients to try to connect them with agencies or groups that could help them, then provide them transportation, Christian said. She said about half of patients say where they want to go, and none are forcibly taken anywhere.

Joseph Epps, an attorney for Hollywood Presbyterian, said hospital policy calls for homeless and indigent patients to be transported by hospital van to the Los Angeles Mission on skid row or to receive taxi vouchers to go wherever they want.

LAPD Capt. Andy Smith said patients don't always reach their destinations, and that he often sees "individuals with not one but sometimes two different hospital bracelets, and people with bandages on, people who are barely ambulatory, and we'll end up calling an ambulance. Sometimes they are in such bad shape they are incoherent."

LAPD Assistant Chief George Gascon said services should be spread across the area so skid row doesn't bear too much of the load.

...and I have hot water now, too.

Your Personal Rate of Return from 01/01/2005 to 10/13/2005 is -5.6%

Your Personal Rate of Return is calculated with a time-weighted formula, widely used by financial analysts to calculate investment earnings. It reflects the result of your investment selections as well as any activity in the plan account(s) shown. There are other Personal Rate of Return formulas used that may yield different results. Remember that past performance is no guarantee of future results.

I love my monster.com job updates, not because I am looking for a job right now, but because of things like this.

I'm glad they don't just passively reject the transactional staffing industry paradigm. But couldn't they do so proactively? It's great that they can handle projects of varied size and scope, too. The companies with the fixed size and scope are awfully weird. And I knew about globalization, but when did the economy become project--based? I thought it was all about shit like steel, and wheat, and oil, and the value of the Euro.

JOIN THE GLOBAL HOME FOR TECHNICAL TALENT

The global home for technical talent, Kineticom partners with progressive companies in the talent-sensitive information and communications technology industries to build effective, flexible workforces.

Our active rejection of the transactional staffing industry paradigm allows us to excel as a consultative partner, delivering premium value to clients on people-critical projects of varying size and scope.

Within a culture of skill building, our contractors trust their Kineticom talent agents with the advancement of their careers, secure in the knowledge and proof that Kineticom develops self-reliant professionals who succeed in the global project-based economy.

Kineticom won a 2005 American Business Award ("Stevie") for Best Agency, recognizing our leadership in redefining the staffing agency model amid the global shift to a flexible workforce. Our ISO 9000-2001 certification ensures the quality of our business processes and our commitment to client satisfaction. Founded in 2000 with offices in San Diego, Calif., Dallas, Texas and London, U.K., our client list includes: T-Mobile, Cingular, Sprint, and Intel.

It’s our spirit, our passion, and our willingness to take risks in pursuit of winning that make us the top technical talent firm. We have a knack for finding and developing talent – it’s what we love and what we do best. If you do too, we invite you to join us.

Short version: whores, private jets, and rented dwarves. P. Diddy is running your 401(k).

A Wall Street Affair: This Bachelor Party Gets Lots of Attention Probe Centers on Payments For Fidelity Star's Bash; Private Jet to South Beach

By SUSANNE CRAIG and JOHN HECHINGER
Staff Reporters of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
July 18, 2005

Even by Wall Street's over-the-top standards, the March 2003 bachelor party for Thomas Bruderman, a onetime star trader for Fidelity Investments, was an event to remember.

The festivities began with a trip by private jet from Boston to a small airport outside New York City. There, the revelers picked up some Wall Street traders and at least two women who investigators suspect may have been paid for their attendance, say people familiar with the matter. The partygoers -- including the groom-to-be, who was getting ready to marry the daughter of former Tyco International Ltd. boss L. Dennis Kozlowski -- then continued to trendy South Beach in Miami. The fun included a stay at the ritzy Delano Hotel for some, a yacht cruise and entertainment by at least one dwarf hired for the occasion.

"Some people are just into lavish dwarf entertainment," says the 4-foot-2 Danny Black, a part-owner in Shortdwarf.com, an outfit that rents dwarfs for parties starting at $149 an hour. Mr. Black says he spent part of the weekend on the yacht and worked as a waiter on the Friday night at a high-end Miami eatery alongside what he called "regular size" people. "A good time was had by all," he said, declining to provide further details.

( Now I say I say hold I say hold I say HOLD ON HERE. )

Hi there. I'm going to talk to you today about website programming. You aren't interested, but maybe you should be, because your bank sucks at it.

Today I cancelled a credit account that had been paid off a long time ago and was no longer useful. Before I called them up, I looked at the website for my account to make sure that everything was clear and that no pending or recurring charges would show up.

The account statement looked like this:

Available Credit: [redacted] Current balance: $0.00 Minimum payment Due: $20.00 Previous Balance: $0.00 Last Payment: $58.97, 3/5/2005

I immediately saw that I had a $20 payment due, but missed seeing that my balance was zero. Oh crap, how long has that been due? At least since March! Better pay that last $20 before I cancel. I clicked on the "Make a payment online" button.

( that's when it got funny )

Then again, after what

torgo_x told me about Non-Euclidean Math at Banks (make him tell you this story some time), I shouldn't be surprised.

The punchline is that the credit account was a Citibank credit line offered through Amazon.com. LOL INTERNET!

Are pension funds the next S&L crisis?

The Economist thinks they might be. Boy, wouldn't that be fun!

latest aristos playing at shepherds fuck entire country

The unspeakable lured by the unreadable

Don't call them trailer trash

Only Sheriff Frank Booth Can Save Us Now!

Reposted from a friend's journal with permission: O.C. Life

I don't think "porkulent" is even a proper word.

Lionel Hutz meets Sideshow Bob in Rapetown

Weapons for the Cubicle Wars

L'apres midi d'un dorque

Credit Card Chaos update

Buying a house? Watch out for paradigms

Go Go Gadget 401(k)!

and that waiter! JEAN-LUC!

It just wouldn't be the holidays

Plumber's gone!

GO GO GADGET 401(K)!!!

Welcome to Innotech

Where your mutual fund money is going (WSJ)

One-Click Horking

Retirement collapse alarm

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