substitute

From a nameless source, Whole Foods Market's list of key words and phrases to use during an interview:

( my bar has been raised. )

The promoters of the movie Cars have rented the entire automotive journalism establishment for a month. It's amazing. Every car magazine, tv show, web site, blog-where-people-are-paid, everything is simultaneously doing "stories" relating to that movie.

I realized things were headed this way in publishing some time in the 1980s when I walked by the big newsstand on Cahuenga in Hollywood and saw the same actress's face literally 15 in a row, 15 different magazines, all the same month, promoting the same star of the same movie.

In artillery, a "time on target" is a technique in which different batteries at different locations and distances from a target time each of their firings so that all of the shells arrive in the same place at the same time, multiplying their effect with terrifying simultaneity from all directions.

The marketers have us bracketed and they are firing for effect. Help!

According to the Los Angeles Times, chihuahuas are out and pugs are in for the tiny-dog-carrying set.

Those of you who were raising hundreds of chihuahuas in hydroponic tanks in your closets have just found yourselves at the top of the market; sorry about that. If you're lucky, you can unload the li'l barkers to clueless social climbers in the Inland Empire before they get the message.

Otherwise, it's chili night!

So, you know, bottled water. Most of it is somewhat-filtered tap water. Gotta have a gimmick to sell it. Sometimes they put vitamins or electrolytes in it, not a bad idea. Sometimes they put caffeine or a little bit of fruit in it, okay. Sometimes they claim they've put oxygen in it to make you more oxygen-y, which is pathetic. Or they just want you to like them, so they put a picture of someone nice on it.

And then there's water that's been... ...liked. The good folks at H2OM Water sell "Water with Intention".

You all may remember an insane Japanese man who says that water changes when you think nice thoughts. "The Hidden Messages in Water", etc. He was in that movie "Do You Fucking Expect Me to Believe This Shit" or whatever it was called. He's an affable lunatic. Mix affable lunacy with marketing and you have our next Dr. Bronner.

Inspired by these studies, H2Om was created. A crystal clear natural spring water brand infused with the power of intention through words, music and thought. We gratefully offer you an interactive invitation to drink in and resonate with the vibrational frequencies of Love and Perfect Health.

Now absolute purity comes in Five Fantastic Infusions

NOW AVAILABLE:
LOVE
PERFECT HEALTH

COMING SOON:
WILL POWER
PROSPERITY
and
GRATITUDE

I'm glad they're coming out with the gratitude one, because after I've got love and perfect health I'll be needing to feel more grateful.

Reading their infusion process, it seems to consist of 1) picking out a label color and 2) playing music at the water in a warehouse.

Science was cool, wasn't it? Man I'm nostalgic already.

The PETA people, with their usual combination of flair and insanity, are going after milk again, this time with the Milk Gone Wild site.

I immediately thought of another angle. I could sell "wild milk" to yuppie foodie types. I would certify that that no tame farm animal produced this milk. Instead, I and my friends would hike deep into the wilderness in search of lactating mammals which we would overpower and forcibly milk. We would then bring this precious ambrosia back to civilization and charge amounts per ounce in the single malt scotch/perfume range. Or higher, really. I doubt we could get more than a couple of gallons of milk in a very successful trip so we'd need to charge serious cash.

But think about it. Wild Milk!

If we got enough on a trip to make butter or cheese, we could make tiny amounts of that and sell it for even more, because we had declared this batch to be a rare and sought-after Wild Butter Catch.

I'd have to do some research and find out what the best animals would be on the scale of amount of milk produced versus size, danger, and rarity of the creatures where I was hunting. Ideally it would be a critter we could hold down and milk without tranquilizers because no one wants Immobilon in their milk.

"In cooperation with the Frida Kahlo family estate, Dorado, Pizzorni & Sons, LLC Importers is proud to announce the launch of Frida Kahlo tequila. This tequila is superior to others because it is elaborated in small batches through a 100% natural, handcrafted and traditional process. We only use the finest quality blue agaves and natural ingredients," said Jorge Gutierrez, President of Dorado, Pizzorni & Sons, LLC.

"It has been an exciting adventure to develop and launch a product that would characterize my Aunt Frida: her love for Mexico, her strength and her passion for life. Tequila, her favorite drink, accompanied her in the greatest moments of her life," said Kahlo's niece, Isolda P. Kahlo. "While searching in the region of Jalisco it was a unique opportunity and a great challenge to obtain the right quality, taste and pureness that would match Frida's expectations. Always taking care of the finest details, Frida Kahlo Tequila is a Super Premium Tequila that my family and I proudly present to the world, at the level and quality of the tequilas that Frida would definitely expect from her favorite drink."

Initially, Frida Kahlo Tequila will be launched in three major U.S. markets, including New York, Los Angeles, and Miami, as well as in Mexico, with plans to expand nationally in 2006.

Editor's note: Frida Kahlo was an alcoholic who drank a bottle a day of tequila. Unsurprisingly, some people are really pissed off about putting her on a liquor label. Via the always useful AdJab.

Edit: namja provides us with their inevitable ad slogan: "Tequila Frida Kahlo: It'll put hair between your eyes."