substitute

The subject line on this LJ comment was something sexy, and then we have the body of the message:

"As I sat there hating about her and that telekinetic ass, a hep pulled up beside me at the light. "

hepkitten is there something I should know about your ASS?

The old "music industry" in the United States is dead. This has been clear for a decade now. Parts of it fall off occasionally, e.g., the entire retail store establishment. Those in charge cannot acknowledge that things have fundamentally changed to their disadvantage. Instead they're driven into ridiculous extremes: suing children, crippling computers and their own CDs and DVDs, attempting to dock the tuition accounts of college students, and buying risible legislation.

They have no choice. The music industry distributes its product via trucks through warehouses, and there is cash involved. Therefore they are in part controlled by organized crime. In the golden years of the 70s and 80s, so-called "cutout" or remaindered discount records were a cash equivalent, and everyone had some good times with the resulting piles of $50's. Lew Wasserman helped out his old buddy Ronald Reagan with slush money, and later there was a polite to-do about the Mafia and MCA.

Now imagine the reaction of the wise guys to the elimination of trucking and cash, the elimination of warehouses, and the elimination of networks of middlemen. The made man in the corner office isn't happy.

It's clear we need to get these guys out of the picture. They're trying to make money off something dead, and they aren't going to let it go. But they're armed, and wealthy, and very good at using legislation and muscle to keep a good thing going. What to do?

Another problem has been getting worse the last ten years: spam. Annoying email, most of it for illegal or fraudulent businesses, is gumming up the works badly. The spammers are winning the arms race, too: it gets harder and harder to filter their crap without losing legitimate communication. Worst of all, it can't be legislated out of existence because it originates offshore and is transmitted by zombie armies of compromised computers controlled by crafty Russians. So now we have another organized crime problem: the damn Russians won't stop spamming us and we can't do a thing about it.

I propose that we solve both problems simultaneously.

A mission of music executives, internet portal and technology managers, and suitably anonymous government figures will be sent to a Godfather-like summit with the Russian mob's top leaders. And we will say this to them:

"We know you're businessmen. And we respect that. We're businessmen too. And we have a problem for us that's an opportunity for you. If you want to come in and wipe out the guys who are holding back our music industry, the business is yours. Clearly you know how to sell on the Internet, and how to sell music for that matter. You're digitally sophisticated and you know how to get paid without trucks and wads of cash. Come on in and enjoy, and we'll overlook the crime wave as you whack all these bastards.

"In return we ask only one thing: stop the spam. It's bad for business for us, and it can't be a long-term business for you either. Technology changes, you know that. If you walk away from spam we'll hand you the key to digital music, and that's not going away. Deal?"

The result in my utopia would be a short, exciting series of gangland murders, followed by the emergence of slightly too expensive but totally functional music download services. And spam will go to about 5% what it is now; the government and tech people can take credit for this.

I for one am willing to pay 10% more on my music downloads for this deal.

[b]
B ' ' H _

Ko mafia ! Global Democracy TRIVOLUZIONE
Cold Fusion W post opec !

Grazie per invio delle cene anche TUE a ARTSENU !
Arriveranno a mandarle tutte / i TERRESTRI grazie
all ' esempio di combattenti come TE !
Tuo Franco JAL ARTSENU MOLCA

Si possono inviare 12 cene annue a :
'' ERA ORA x ARTSENU ''
Conto Corrente Postale 60397007
via di Torre Argentina 76
I 00186 ROMA di Sopra .
Precisando nella '' causale ''
sul modulo CC o nella lettera :

'' queste mie CENE pro ARTSENU IO AFFIDO a
ERA ORA - PRTT - Maria Antonietta FARINA Coscioni
per gestione secondo il manifesto di
ARTSENU TRIVOLUZIONE '' Firma ...

E parlarne a parenti amici commilitoni .
Di persona , per posta
elettronica e non ... : spammare nzomma !!!

( and it goes on )

Boy do they have the wrong number. Caught fresh in the wild by my spamchecker, some native Chilean spawning spalmon:

From: "FILETE DE SALMON A DOMICILIO" <buenamesa@chile.com>
Date: February 25, 2007 8:45:11 PM PST
To: "3" <buenamesa@chile.com>
Subject: FILETE DE SALMON A DOMICILIO

DISFRUTE DE EL MEJOR FILETE DE SALMON ENTREGADO EN SU DOMICILIO SIN RECARGO PARA USTED.(solo en la ciudad de santiago)

NUESTROS PRECIOS SON LOS SIGUIENTES:

FILETE DE SALMON FRESCO Y CONGELADO SELLADO AL VACIO 3.800.- POR KILO
FILETE DE SALMON AHUMADO SELLADO AL VACIO 5.000.- POR KILO


HAGA SU PEDIDO AL CORREO salmonchile@chile.com O LLAME AL FONO 09-7424993

si desea ser removido de nuestra lista por favor disculpe y devuelva este correo con la palabra "remover"

Subject: The new year is coming, but where is your lover?

With you, I own the whole world; without you, I have nothing! That's the exact word I want to tell my future lover. I'm still one of the millions of thousands of lonely military singles!!! I strongly believe that God can bring you to my side.

I woke up to a very full mailbox because someone had used my address as the return on a mass spam to many, many Australians. I'm still getting bounces. I learned from this two things:

1. Wow, people can be such jerks at times.
   
   
2. The spam I get advertising wonderful jobs in faraway Australia is exactly mirrored by spam sent to Australians advertising wonderful jobs in the U.S.

From: "The Hospitality Talent Network"<noreply@hospitalitytalentnetwork.com>
Date: August 31, 2006 10:37:44 AM PDT
To: substitute
Subject: Sausage Maker positions are available

Dear Colleague,

The HospitalityTalent Network has  Sausage Maker  positions posted by Hills Foods Ltd on our network of job boards.

If you would like additional information on these career opportunities (at no cost or obligation), please go to the following links...

Please consider the following jokes to have been made:

Sausage making/politics/State Legislature joke
Sausage Party joke
Sausage/SPAM joke

And this just in from "Tanya":

Hi there clovely,
This kind of opportunity comes ones in a life. I don't want
to miss it. Do you? I am coming to your place in few days
and I though may be web can meet each other. If you don't mind
I can send you my picture. I am a girl.

Look thy clast on all clings clovely every hour. They they may be web.

The spammer who wanted me to buy his $177 "Harmony Chip" that fixes everything has responded to my post about his spam.

Susan J. Sneed says: "lose the anglicise". But Susan, shouldn't you lose yours first?

Octane H. Hippies, Simplified A. Duress, Skyline O. Oppressing, Commissioner C. Fleas, and Unscrambled J. Aggressors all shared with me everything for my 100% health.

Sot J. Contradict alleged that there were beautiful Russian girls waiting for me.

And although the message was about ringtones, at first I really wondered if the people calling themselves "Customize Your Cell" were reaching their target market properly.