anointomatic

The ANOINTED WARRIOR wants to be my FRIEND.

He'd also like me to view his VIDEO CHALLENGES if I'm a satanist or have an extensive porn collection (Admiral Kragg).

I think God told him to skin me alive. He has glowing eyes and a sword. The churches I've visited have waged spiritual warfare with bible studies that included cookies, which always seemed more effective than the whole glowing-eyes-and-sword thing, but maybe this works for him.

The shtick would work better if all this guy's friends weren't heavy metal musicians, dominatrices, art atheists and media Jews. But it's still funny.

DEAR THE PEOPLE WHO PUT VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET

Thank you for capturing so many unique things on video. "Citizen Generated Media" has given all of us new views of the world around us.

We understand that you have choices as you edit and upload your video. One of those choices is to add a soundtrack. This is optional, and we urge you to consider the option carefully.

You may have filmed a raging fire, a funny animal trick, shocking and brutal scenes of hand-to-hand combat, volcanoes, or any number of terrifying military machines and associated havoc. None of these things are equivalent to "music video," and none of them are enhanced by your favorite tunes by Laibach or Metallica, clips from Tarantino films, or the totally unrelated music you enjoyed when you were 19 years old.

This is true even though every video you see on television is either backed by music or narrated by an airhead. Please trust us.

Thank you,

Everyone who has heard enough shitty 90s pop culture for a while.

The Fall of the House of Steinberg

Mold sends homeowners packing

Super extra famous sports agent Leigh Steinberg had to move and then got screwed again in his second 5 million dollar house. Oh no! Why? Well, the mold showed up again.

The Ambe family blew 3.5 mil on a house only have their 18 month old baby covered in a rash and "listless" due to the same mold.

Oddly, the same building company didn't seem to have the problem when giving away their services for a TV show in which they fixed up a house to save a mold-threatened child.

Best quote in the article:

"My poor husband — he's a plastic surgeon — he's having to do five surgeries a day … where typically it would be three," she said.

I wonder if a Tulpa can take the form of mold?

I have no luck with the things-that-are-not-memes

I did that interests collage thing and didn't even bother "adjusting" it after I saw the Simpsons porn. BLEAH!

To everyone who has been delightedly posting about "Snakes On A Plane" for months now

This is the most successful "viral" marketing campaign since The Blair Witch Project. You bought the "internet rumor." You bought the "they wanted to change it but Samuel L. Jackson insisted on the title." You made your own media and distributed it. You posted about it on the Internet over and over and over.

Because you'll enjoy anything with a detached sense of superiority, you made yourselves part of the strategy. Because black people saying "motherfucker" is funny, and because cheesy horror movies that scare people inferior to you are funny, and because you've been neotenized by pop culture irony into being perpetually 12 years old, you got trolled into the street team for a midnight movie and made some Chads and Brads and Thads in shiny shirts very, very, rich.

You deserve the decoder ring, the glow-in-the-dark badge, and the build-it-yourself clubhouse now. You ate all four hundred boxes of Froot Loops.

Homage to springheel_jack for the phrase "consumer Stockholm Syndrome," which describes this phenomenon perfectly.

snarks on a plane

Five years of a blog that runs about 70% snark and grump, maybe more. I complain too much on the Internet, and it's bad for my writing. Occasionally I catch myself and write a happy piece about kittens or Chinese dumplings or a really stellar masturbation session. But a gloomy Andy Rooney/James Lileks atmosphere threatens. It's a flaw, and I'm surprised that's not pointed out more.

Most of the time, though, my small and friendly readership either agrees, suggests a different yet sympathetic angle, or clears the buffer and moves on. I don't get a lot of "oh hell no" or "you bastard, you pissed on my dream" reactions.

And then there was that time I dissed the Snakes on a Plane astroturf ad campaign, and found out there are still people who care enough to stand up for Jesus calculated viral marketing!