substitute

If I get one more of those GIVE THE GIFT OF DEATH & DISMEMBERMENT INSURANCE! or LAST CHANCE TO SHOW YOU CARE WITH AN ARBY'S GIFT CERTIFICATE or ORDER TODAY FOR CHRISTMAS DELIVERY OF NO-LEAKS-MLADY BEDPANS I may... just... become...

... a little less Christmasy.

I do understand that people who sell children's bicycles or fine chocolates or sex toys are going to be advertising a lot this time of year, and I can make my peace with that. The inappropriate products and services sold as "holiday gifts" are astounding, though. All services have gift certificates and all products have special Gift-Pak stupidity.

I salute the energy and inventiveness of advertisers, but come on: prepaid oil changes? donations in your name to contentious and controversial nonprofits? A subscription to the Arthritis Health Letter? A new garage door opener? A genuine Third Reich swizzle stick! A dream date with Paul Williams in knee pads! A BABY'S ARM HOLDING AN APPLE