substitute

If I get one more of those GIVE THE GIFT OF DEATH & DISMEMBERMENT INSURANCE! or LAST CHANCE TO SHOW YOU CARE WITH AN ARBY'S GIFT CERTIFICATE or ORDER TODAY FOR CHRISTMAS DELIVERY OF NO-LEAKS-MLADY BEDPANS I may... just... become...

... a little less Christmasy.

I do understand that people who sell children's bicycles or fine chocolates or sex toys are going to be advertising a lot this time of year, and I can make my peace with that. The inappropriate products and services sold as "holiday gifts" are astounding, though. All services have gift certificates and all products have special Gift-Pak stupidity.

I salute the energy and inventiveness of advertisers, but come on: prepaid oil changes? donations in your name to contentious and controversial nonprofits? A subscription to the Arthritis Health Letter? A new garage door opener? A genuine Third Reich swizzle stick! A dream date with Paul Williams in knee pads! A BABY'S ARM HOLDING AN APPLE

Another college guy showed up at the door with the exact same spiel.

ME: You guys already hit me up.

HIM: It's not what you think, we're not selling magazines.

ME: Right, you're selling books!

HIM: ...yes. Did he have something like... ::shows brochure::

ME: Right, exactly. Books for kids, in the hospital.

HIM: Well, crap. I'm just around the corner on Francisco. No one around here is in my class! What the heck?

There's a pause and the poor guy looks genuinely lost.

ME: I'm not sure he was at UCLA like you. Maybe he is at a different school that's doing the fundraiser.

HIM: Oh man, yeah. Crap. Yeah.

ME: So, anyway, this area has had the pitch already. Sorry.

HIM: Thanks, man. ::wanders off sadly::