Dear the O.C. Weekly

From: me
To: letters@ocweekly.com
Subj: Regarding the "Sex Issue"

Why is this issue different from all other issues?

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To: me
From: [REDACTED], Editorial Assistant
Subj: Re: Regarding the "Sex Issue"

This is a themed issue. The theme is sex. Hope this helps you!

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From: me
To: lettersoc@ocweekly.com
Subj: Re: Regarding the "Sex Issue

Guess you didn't get the joke. Have a good one!

Time to start borrowing from the neighbors.

The 2005 average income in my zip code was $258,733.14.

Oh the hell with that, time to start stealing from the neighbors. There's no way they'll notice.

A Late Decree in the Matter of the Feast of St. Valentine

WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has repeatedly proven offensive or inconvenient to the majority of the American People;

WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has been demonstrably debased by unseemly commercialism and rapacious greed;

WHEREAS, all attempts to celebrate the Feast of St. Valentine in the common way debase the true arts of love;

WHEREAS, the above factors in combination have continued to cause strife, discomfort and misery in the Greater Portion of the American People;

WHEREAS, the activities surrounding the Feast of St. Valentine debase and shame the American People;

AND WHEREAS, a more appropriate and honorable claim to that day exists;

NOW, THEREFORE, we decree that the celebration of the Feast of St. Valentine be hereby ABOLISHED;

AND WE FURTHER ORDER that the Fourteenth Day of February each year be rededicated to the celebration of the birth of Joshua, Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, who, by the grace of God, ruled his people wisely and well for more than twenty years.

via boutell by kfringe at http://kfringe.livejournal.com/282716.html

I know the adjective "Orwellian" is used too much

But sometimes you need to drag it out. This time it's  the BBC news trying to choke down the latest buffet of insanity from our military in Iraq:

IRAQ 'REVERSE SURGE' PLAYS ON U.S. MINDS

There are a few gems, but this one stands out for me:

"US commanders are reluctant to allow the backward momentum of the reverse-surge process to merge seamlessly into a wholesale withdrawal of American forces"

What the hell does that mean? Mostly, it means that they don't really want to pull the troops out yet. Or maybe ever. So the pull-out of troops is now a "reverse surge" and since the "surge" was a "good thing" this means we should be really careful and probably not do it! And we don't want it to "merge seamlessly" into an actual withdrawal. In other words, because we're not "surging" we should not leave for an undetermined time, because that would be, well, bad. Got  it?

This is that rare and beautiful news story in which every single item is a lie. An easy way to fix it up would be to replace each paragraph with this: "There is blood everywhere and no plan."

I'll  sell t-shirts! Meanwhile, as Orwell put it, "The fascist octopus has sung its swan song, and the jackboot  is in the melting pot."

GO READ HIM NOW and every week from now on, so you can understand the weird stuff in the news. It's a short little essay and people forget how important it  is.

Dept of Unintentional Humor, Marketing Division

On the front page of LJ there is a "Spotlight" item for a Valentines Day community. The tag line is:

"Leave someone a Valentine, and see if any are left for you."