The unspeakable lured by the unreadable

I try not to to be too hard on hack writers most of the time. It's hard to make a living in journalism, and a lot of jobs are at boring and stultifying industry house organs or shilltalk ad rags. These are people who wanted to be ink-stained front page reporters or film critics and they get to write about aluminum foil or fabulous getaway weekends. Sometimes, though, they cross a line. This piece, from a credit card company's luxury travel magazine, is... well, I'll pay you a quarter if you read the whole thing straight through. It's for our local South County seaside resort, and the writers decided that instead of the usual luxury porn template that bored them so, they'd use an alternative literary form for thier puff piece: A film script! Because that's what they really wanted to do anyway.

( THE SCRIPT )

Local characters: The landscaper

Here is the gardener for my neighbors. She is in her late fifties or early sixties. She does their whole yard, lawn and plants, with one helper, once a week. Her pickup truck is stickered with patriotism. She clearly has arthritis or knee injuries and walks with a kind of swiveling cowboy swagger that says: I am in pain and I don't give a damn. She chain smokes. While she is working she does not stop except to take stock of progress or give instruction to her assistant. She's so focused that it takes two or three attempts to contact her before she'll break away from work.

She is a force of nature.

motion in the ocean (oo wah)

1. AIIGH! The Paxil is self-replicating and attacking the other Paxil!
   
   
2. YOW! The water down there is so hot, it's entered a weird different state of matter!
   
   
3. YOICKS! The Luba people of central Africa have a totally awesome memory board technology!
   
   
4. Shut up and make your own Custom Loaf, damnit!

Edit: Maciej got all up in my grill about the phrase "weird different state of matter". Let the record show that I am aware that super extra hot steam is not strictly speaking a state of matter, even if it is supercritical. However, I do maintain that supercritical water is still totally weird. Thank you. Does anyone have some cashews and/or Paypal?