MEAT HELMET

I SAID: MEAT HELMET.

Pneumatic 'air muscles' control the helmet, forcing the user to eat at intervals specified by a CPU located on a belt. The on-board program sends out commands to an electronic valve, which controls the supply of compressed air to the air muscles. A keypad allows the user to punch-in the amount of calories about to be consumed (Big Mac = 560), where the program will calculate how many chews are needed to burn them off (chewing = 70 calories/hour), commencing the forced-chewing upon the user (8 hour workout!).

Timeline, with Mac & Cheese

1965: Milk

1968: Nilla wafers, punch, mac and cheese

1972: Baguette, cheese, ham, café au lait

1974: Rice Krispies, peanut butter sandwiches, mac and cheese, chocolate milk

1977: Curry chicken sandwiches, ginger beer, Pop Rocks, Wil Wrights ice cream, Chef Boyardee Ravioli

1980: Mac and cheese, Carls Jr. fries, Szechuan Beef, André "champagne"

1983: Tommy's chili cheeseburgers, Pepsi, Captain Crunch, pizza, pad thai

1986: Cuban roast chicken, Bohemia beer, Thai peanut chicken & spinach

1991: Subway sandwich special of the day, Jack Daniels, spicy peanut dumplings, ramen

1993: Subway sandwich special of the day, spaghetti, cheap Dutch beer from TJs

1994: Special of the day at hospital cafeteria, Cassell's burger, Tommy's burger, Guinness, supermarket roast chicken, mac and cheese.

1996: Los Primos burritos, potato fritters, quiche, potato salad, Seghesio Zinfandel

1998: Maker's Mark, Glacier Vodka, sautéed scallops, Lundberg Wild Blend Rice, Pilsner Urquell, Pepcid AC, fettucine alfredo, blackout cake, mac and cheese.

2003: Brita filtered water, eggplant & cashew stirfry, sweet red pepper salad, chicken Marsala, clementines, nonfat yogurt with berries, homemade bread.

2005: Aberlour A'Bunadh, lamb curry, mac and cheese, TJs frozen tamales, pasta e fagiole, cornbread, coleslaw, San Pellegrino, tomato/artichoke salad.

We are such stuff as dweebs are made of

1. Only the power of drugs can put a submarine in the mountains. Shades of Fitzcarraldo!
   
   
2. From several sources, the Headline of the Year: STALIN'S HALF-MAN, HALF-APE SUPER-WARRIORS.
   
   
3. O Christmas Toad, O Christmas Toad, you take from the undeserving.
   
   
4. New horrors of mobile phones: the woman next to you on the train may be testing out her smelltones.
   
   
5. Uh. Mel. Uh. WHAT? Mayans... what?
   
   
6. Ever wondered what happens when you give a baseball 19,000 coats of paint?

It just wouldn't be Christmas without .40 hollowpoints

Santa Claus Uses Handgun to Protect Children From Terrorists

Here's the Christmas card sent out by the Citizens Committee to Keep and Bear Arms:



I have some concerns. First of all, Santa is not using an approved grip or stance for handgun shooting. One-hand shooting is not recommended, and the loose grasp he has on the firearm is going to result in instability, poor aim, and possibly total loss of control.

Second, although he has the children pushed behind him, there is an infant directly below the handgun. Not only could a terrible mishap occur if his gun somehow went off while pointed down, but raining hot brass from an autopistol on infants is very poor form.

Third, the terrorist does not appear to have any firearms himself and is soletly armed with explosives. Santa is not only risking everyone's life in that room by pointing a firearm at the explosives, but he's missing the opportunity either to shoot the bomber directly in the head — thus ending the terrorist mission — or to physically assault the bomber and remove him from the area so that he cannot demolish the tree or kill the children. Merely threatening him with the firearm may result in far worse results than either shooting him in the head or tackling him. Since the terrorist is very clumsily using dynamite sticks with fuses, there is unlikely to be any dead man's switch or trip wire that would frustrate this attempt, and a terrorist taken alive is far more valuable to the international community than a corpse.

Therefore I cannot support arming poorly trained Santa Clauses. Even though the threat to Christmas may be very serious, reflexively arming previously unarmed sectors of society is likely to result in more harm than good.

A bigger version of the card is available from the url above; I resized it.

Cat on sheepskin today.