We are such stuff as dweebs are made of

[substitute]

1. Only the power of drugs can put a submarine in the mountains. Shades of Fitzcarraldo!
   
   
2. From several sources, the Headline of the Year: STALIN'S HALF-MAN, HALF-APE SUPER-WARRIORS.
   
   
3. O Christmas Toad, O Christmas Toad, you take from the undeserving.
   
   
4. New horrors of mobile phones: the woman next to you on the train may be testing out her smelltones.
   
   
5. Uh. Mel. Uh. WHAT? Mayans... what?
   
   
6. Ever wondered what happens when you give a baseball 19,000 coats of paint?