DEAR THE CINGULAR/AT&T PHONE COMPANY

[substitute]

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE IT IF:

MY PHONE RANG WHEN PEOPLE CALLED ME INSTEAD OF SENDING THEM TO VOICE MAIL

THE VOICE MAIL INDICATOR WOULD SHOW THAT I HAD RECEIVED SAID VOICEMAIL SOONER THAN 12 HOURS LATER

THE PHONE WOULD NOT CRASH WHEN LEFT UNATTENDED

THE PHONE, WHEN RESTARTED, WOULD REMEMBER MY NETWORK PASSWORD SO THAT I COULD USE ITS NETWORK FEATURES

THE PHONE, WHEN RESTARTED, WOULD REMEMBER MY WIFI AUTHENTICATION FOR SIMILAR REASONS

THERE WAS ANY INDICATION THAT ANYONE KNEW OR CARED THAT THESE PROBLEMS ARE OCCURRING

BEST,

substitute

Comments

[jpeace.livejournal.com]

UI LATENCIES WOULDN'T SPIRAL TOWARDS SEVEN SECONDS ANYTIME THE RADIO IS ACTIVATED

THE PHONE, WHEN STARTING FROM AN INEVITABLE CRASH, WOULDN'T PAUSE FOR A FOUR SECOND BRANDING VIDEO

THE INDUSTRY'S PREFERRED HOTKEYS TO HUSTLE INTO THE VOICEMAIL PROMPT WOULD NOT CHANGE EVERY EIGHT MONTHS

THE VOICEMAIL ROBOT BITCH WOULD SPEAK THE TIME JUST A LITTLE FASTER

THE VOICEMAIL ROBOT BITCH WOULD NOT SNIDELY INFORM ME THAT I HAVE *NO* NEW MESSAGES, SUBTLY IMPLYING THAT I AM A FRIENDLESS LONELY WASTE OF CARBON WHO WILL PERISH ALONE

[cirsurfce.livejournal.com]

no kidding.. my work phone does that, and all the supervisors get mad when I don't call them back.. then I get 10 messages 4 days later.

[dr-strych9.livejournal.com]

Dear _Mr._X_Substitute_:

Thank you for your valuable feedback regarding the quality of your experience with the new AT&T, formerly Cingular. To help you adjust to the parameters of your new service provider, it's our pleasure to provide you with a personalized response to your concerns.

Q. Why doesn't my phone ring when my friends call? They just get sent to voice mail!
A. The new AT&T system is designed to facilitate mobile customers communicating AT&T's rapidly expanding circle of affiliated service providers. We've found that most residential customers only make outgoing calls, so we've tailored our service to meet that demand. If you're interested in receiving incoming calls, the new AT&T offers a range of business service plans to meet your needs.

Q. Why does my phone "crash" and forget my passwords when I leave it unattended?
A. From time to time, the new AT&T system updates the firmware and configuration of your phone automatically over the wireless network. We do this to provide an ever expanding array of exciting new opportunities to connect. These configuration updates often require your phone to restart, and sometimes this procedure requires you to reinitialize your handset for security purposes.

Q. Is there any indication that anyone knows or cares about my problems?
A. As a global company touching diverse customers and markets, the new AT&T values individual perspectives and connects with customers through a variety of outreach efforts. Please stand by. A customer satisfaction evangelist will be available to receive your supplications at the earliest available opportunity.

[daisyhunter.livejournal.com]

MY PHONE RANG WHEN PEOPLE CALLED ME INSTEAD OF SENDING THEM TO VOICE MAIL

THE VOICE MAIL INDICATOR WOULD SHOW THAT I HAD RECEIVED SAID VOICEMAIL SOONER THAN 12 HOURS LATER

This has been happening to me a lot recently.

[rpkrajewski.livejournal.com]

What kind of phone do you have ? I assume it's not a dumbphone. Dumbphones work.

Condolences

[tomsdisch.livejournal.com]

for all the shit that keeps burying you alive. I have never had a cellphone and your all-caps lamentation isa further reason why I never will. Of course, being housebound I would have no use for one, except to be spared having to walk across the room. And my deskphone can't take short movies and email them to Ethipia, so I am missing that modern convenience.

Re: Condolences

[tomsdisch.livejournal.com]

ps. When I first saw your subject line I thought it was addressed to

The Cingulariat Phone Co. I could at once imagine their building looming above me, a darker Secratariat staffed staffed a Russian-style bureaucracy.

Re: Condolences

[substitute.livejournal.com]

I often think that the telephone companies are one of the last vestiges of the Soviet Empire.