scratched on the cell wall

[substitute]

If your ship is sinking very slowly, you may not be constantly reminded of the problem, but periodically you’ll see that the water is higher, and the list is more pronounced, and things are a bit slower. But it’s so slow! You forget that it’s a continuous process, and hallucinate stability.

The progress of my life is like this. Every day I get a bit further from what I need, and a bit closer to death, and every day it gets a little bit harder to win the game.

Forty meant more than other ages because I’m that joke about loser guys: the lonely 40-year-old. I’m doomed to failure because I failed in the past, and I don’t get any do-overs. The people around me by contrast make me Malvolio, Cyrano, Aqualung.

From the bridge I can see the deck boards starting to float a bit, and the running lights are flickering.

I want out, but there’s nowhere to go.

Comments

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

i read this. reread it and have been in that spot with the sinking water. each day you descend a bit further, without noticing. then one day you look back at where you were and holy shit you've gone a long way down.

there are no words i can say. it's hard work, but you can get out of that pit.