Coworkers: Our Hidden Resource of Madness
Sep. 26th, 2003 12:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
substituteThe following is a list of coworkers that I, or people I know, have had. Without comment. I think one of the best reasons to work at jobs instead of getting money some other way is meeting maniacs. Please add your own if you wish to do so!
1. Lived on fatty meat and generic package cookies. Frequently said he would not live past fifty. Would ask for extra fatty meat from the work cafeteria, and drank at least 1.5L of Dr. Pepper per day. Once was written up for cooking goat meat in microwave at work. Slid slowly into schizophrenia during his tenure at this job. What was in the chili he brought to pot luck?
2. Called everybody "Chief", "Big Guy", or "Killer"; women were "Gal" or "Babe". Wore really tight shirts. Would poke you and say "Hey Ace!" before asking a question.
3. Made speaker cabinets out of depleted uranium. They glowed at night and you were not supposed to get too close to them.
4. Was obsessed with Star Wars to the point that he had a tableau of figurines on his desk that no one was allowed to touch. Wore odd-looking scifi shoes with space hardware on them. Lost his scifi sunglasses once and sent an all company email begging for them back.
5. Showed up at the office drunk every day, holding a coffee mug of Jack. Drove an ice cream truck for his regular transportation. Threw up in his wastebasket regularly.
6. Worked naked in his office. Liked to go home and have some "Conan Powder" and then lift a heavy weight to feel strong. Was a rather freaked-out "furry".
7. Always carried Tabasco, real maple syrup, and a gun in her car. Would sexually harass the other women on the night shift. Told me she was going to kill me; I quit. Would punch a hole in the wall if you called her by her real name.
8. Greeted everyone with "Howdy-Hi!" and left saying "Cyah-bye!". Worshipped disk jockey Rick Dees, and wished to be him. Was a Mormon but wanted to fit in, so drank Martinelli's Sparkling CIder at parties. Ended up as a professor of career counseling.
9. Was a "professional writer" on a business communications course, but could not find the asterisk key on his keyboard. Often slept at his desk. When at the urinal, he would clap his hands in childish glee after he completed "number one".
10. Began every sentence with "Be advised that" and ended it with "at this time" like a cop or an airline pilot. Apparently owned only one shirt. Kept cases of candy at his desk. Eventually left with no notice after saying he had to "take care of some stuff".
11. Was terminated from his employment and taken away by the police for spying on women in women's bathrooms on several floors in the building. He had been married three weeks.
12. Typed at 120 wpm with perfect accuracy while dead drunk, and after smoking huge quantities of the weed. Flew into a rage when anyone questioned his reports, and was almost always right. Disappeared one New Year's eve and never came back.
13. Loved firing people, preferably in the middle of a sales meeting ("YOU! CLEAN OUT YOUR DESK AND LEAVE!"). Wrote restaurant reviews in longhand which staff had to retype. Was once seen dancing about in the bathroom saying to himself happily "Lucky, lucky, lucky!" Paid his coke dealer in company checks.
14. Told everyone in her first week that she was a witch, and that if other employees were not nice to her she would hex them. Was not joking about this. Did nothing at all, not one thing, as an employee. Quit with no notice and then asked for a reference.
15. Told the same story, all day long, in a loop, about her ex boyfriend leaving a message on her voicemail. Showed her coworker horribly blurry pictures of her cat that she was going to enter in a cat photography contest. Never, ever stopped talking. Ever. Security guard informed coworker that "you shouldn't be polite, just walk out of the room while she's talking."
1. Lived on fatty meat and generic package cookies. Frequently said he would not live past fifty. Would ask for extra fatty meat from the work cafeteria, and drank at least 1.5L of Dr. Pepper per day. Once was written up for cooking goat meat in microwave at work. Slid slowly into schizophrenia during his tenure at this job. What was in the chili he brought to pot luck?
2. Called everybody "Chief", "Big Guy", or "Killer"; women were "Gal" or "Babe". Wore really tight shirts. Would poke you and say "Hey Ace!" before asking a question.
3. Made speaker cabinets out of depleted uranium. They glowed at night and you were not supposed to get too close to them.
4. Was obsessed with Star Wars to the point that he had a tableau of figurines on his desk that no one was allowed to touch. Wore odd-looking scifi shoes with space hardware on them. Lost his scifi sunglasses once and sent an all company email begging for them back.
5. Showed up at the office drunk every day, holding a coffee mug of Jack. Drove an ice cream truck for his regular transportation. Threw up in his wastebasket regularly.
6. Worked naked in his office. Liked to go home and have some "Conan Powder" and then lift a heavy weight to feel strong. Was a rather freaked-out "furry".
7. Always carried Tabasco, real maple syrup, and a gun in her car. Would sexually harass the other women on the night shift. Told me she was going to kill me; I quit. Would punch a hole in the wall if you called her by her real name.
8. Greeted everyone with "Howdy-Hi!" and left saying "Cyah-bye!". Worshipped disk jockey Rick Dees, and wished to be him. Was a Mormon but wanted to fit in, so drank Martinelli's Sparkling CIder at parties. Ended up as a professor of career counseling.
9. Was a "professional writer" on a business communications course, but could not find the asterisk key on his keyboard. Often slept at his desk. When at the urinal, he would clap his hands in childish glee after he completed "number one".
10. Began every sentence with "Be advised that" and ended it with "at this time" like a cop or an airline pilot. Apparently owned only one shirt. Kept cases of candy at his desk. Eventually left with no notice after saying he had to "take care of some stuff".
11. Was terminated from his employment and taken away by the police for spying on women in women's bathrooms on several floors in the building. He had been married three weeks.
12. Typed at 120 wpm with perfect accuracy while dead drunk, and after smoking huge quantities of the weed. Flew into a rage when anyone questioned his reports, and was almost always right. Disappeared one New Year's eve and never came back.
13. Loved firing people, preferably in the middle of a sales meeting ("YOU! CLEAN OUT YOUR DESK AND LEAVE!"). Wrote restaurant reviews in longhand which staff had to retype. Was once seen dancing about in the bathroom saying to himself happily "Lucky, lucky, lucky!" Paid his coke dealer in company checks.
14. Told everyone in her first week that she was a witch, and that if other employees were not nice to her she would hex them. Was not joking about this. Did nothing at all, not one thing, as an employee. Quit with no notice and then asked for a reference.
15. Told the same story, all day long, in a loop, about her ex boyfriend leaving a message on her voicemail. Showed her coworker horribly blurry pictures of her cat that she was going to enter in a cat photography contest. Never, ever stopped talking. Ever. Security guard informed coworker that "you shouldn't be polite, just walk out of the room while she's talking."
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all the people who DIED, DIED,
Date: 2003-09-26 08:42 am (UTC)There was chronic hand-washing going on there, also.
All from the same job:
*Nice guy, but very short and had complex to match. Would occasionally fly into spectacular tizzys; I and others enjoyed provoking these outbursts. I'm not proud. Didn't show up for work one day - found later that the piper cub he was in, returning from some kind of ham radio geek meeting, had flown into a mountain.
*55 year-old man, looked 75. Harrrrd living! Was a 'drug and alcohol counseler'. Despite driving boats his whole life, could not grasp the propellor-at-each-end configuration of our boats - never docked the boat safely once. With the help of local businesses, we were finally able to tie the mysterious appearances of empty Schnapps bottles in their dumpsters to him...
*High-metabolism bottomless stomach. Loved the 9 - 5 shift. He would buy breakfast, lunch, and dinner - full meals! - with ample snacks in between. Had the attitude of 'we move slow and they know we're here' - would become so engrossed in reading magazines while driving that he would lose track of other traffic on the bay. Nearly got hit by a full barge, toting silt from the back bay. Last I heard, he went to work for Nabisco.
*I remembered him from when I was 13, a tall and imposing figure with a huge nose. Then I was 16 and working there, and he was still there. The first time I worked with him, I was too intimidated to say anything to him. Eventually, the ice broke and we became friends. He introduced me to the greyhound, and I still drink them to this day. After about a year, something changed - he was always clearly a severe alcoholic, but he began a long slide. It started with punches - what had been jockular male bondo became full fledged, full force, bruise-creating arm punches. People started pulling away from him, but sill inviting him to parties - so you'd have a bunch of young people hanging out and having a good time, and you'd have depressed alcoholic guy mit severe mood swings. I pulled away entirely those last few years. When I returned to the area after college, I witnessed him getting bounced from a bar that our friends' band was playing at, and being so insistant and physical about getting in that they had to take him down on the parking lot and detain him till the cops showed up. I called the ferry and told them he wouldn't make it in for the morning shift. Shortly thereafter, he was riding his bike to work, drunk, and slammed into someone's car door, shattering his arm in several places. He was out of work for about 6 months. Last I heard, he had paid off his house, been fired from the ferry for the last time, and now sits in his living room, with his TV and his keg fridge, living off the rent payed by his tenents.