substitute

Tonight I almost ran over an entire pack of ironically metalled-out 20somethings who were tittering across the street after a Scorpions concert at the fairgrounds. The cops were having a joyous time arresting them all for misdemeanor irony. Aren't the Scorpions, like, 60 years old now?

Looking through the police blotter I see that:

There was a drive by shooting around the corner from my house (East Bay St.)
Someone found the remains of a bound and decapitated lamb, which appeared to have been sacrificed by some loons celebrating the Solstice (way to handle your GOTH PARTY, assholes!).
Some local buffoons put an ad on Craigslist selling very illegal fireworks and all got arrested. Bonus points: the ringleader, teen henchman #1, and teen henchman #2 all have Myspaces so we can laugh at them.
A local couple were convicted of slavery this week. That'll look awesome when you apply for a job at Wendy's after you get out. Please list your felonies on this form.
There are two separate ongoing criminal cases at once right now of guys who licked people's feet.

On the plus side, my friend Craig made it into the Weekly for being a 581% insane hardcore bicyclist. He's clearly made from liquid metal.