Can't make love to the girls in this town

[substitute]

This is the weekend that I shall become one or more of:

• A huge yet nimble insectoid creature, mantis-like in appearance, with serrated mandibles and forelegs, dripping with caustic goo, that lives only to rend humans limb from limb.
  
  
• A charismatic street preacher whose exhortations to "Live as though you were already in HELL!" fill the air at gas stations, grocery stores, and open-air restaurants throughout the county.
  
  
• A serial murderer of drywall contractors whose crimes include jigsaw pieces left in each victim's mouth; the pieces, as assembled by the detectives, are slowly revealing a face. But whose?
  
  
• The only non Chinese member of the Communist Party's Central Coordinating Committee in Beijing.
  
  
• Chewbacca.
  
  
• The world's leading collector of pre 1989 Soviet and Eastern Bloc gay pornography.
  
  
• Mary Baker Eddy.