Hallmark Holiday Hell: St. Patrick's Day

[substitute]

1. There is no one named "St. Patty".
   
   
2. If you are not an Irish Catholic, don't say "Erin go bragh". It means something political; go look it up.
   
   
3. If you are not Irish or Irish in ancestry why are you celebrating this holiday? Just drink and enjoy it, but please shut up about the leprechauns.
   
   
4. Green also means something political. Go look it up.
   
   
5. The last thousand years of war, religious hatred, more war, domination by the English, yet more war, starvation, terrorism, oppression, and still more war are not an excuse for Biff and Muffy to vomit green beer in the alley behind Humpy O'Farty's Luck o'the Irish Chain Restaurant in Pinch a Log, Texas.
   

I'm going to wait until St. Olaf's day and eat two pounds of herring and drink a barrel of gløgg.