araby

[substitute]

Today I was sort of half-ill and did not go into the office. I did some work from home and then wandered. I went to the ritzy mall and watched the ultra-rich shop. Lots of self-satisfied matrons towing around unhappy daughters on break from college. Went to the coffee shop. Went to the health food store and bought bread & tomatoes. Went back to the coffee shop. Saw, in sequence, my last four crushes-at-a-distance. Managed to speak to one of them.

I've had the sensation of a masquerade lately. Everything seems to be a play or dance worked out in advance and not revealed to me until the last moment. Restaurants and bookstores feel like carnival rides. The world is a plastic buffet set out in front of me which I cannot eat. Somewhere a tinny organ is playing.

I've been told that this is a frequent symptom of oncoming schizophrenia, but I hope it's just ennui.

Et in arcadia ego