Applications are no longer being accepted for the following positions

[substitute]

• ”Friend” who contacts me every three months for tech support.
  
  
• Woman who uses me as a stopgap guy to hang out with between boyfriends (please note: this position has been eliminated and there will be no further hiring.)
  
  
• Person whose only contact with me is to sing his or her own praises and then ask for favors.
  
  
• Unasked-for spiritual advisor.
  
  
• Multilevel marketer.