i was a regular churchgoing christian once, myself. it was a long time ago, and i was just coming of age. the church was one of the early converts to the moral majority. it was like an overnight coup. one week there were idyllic paintings of jesus leading baby lambs through a field, the next week there were full-color portraits of aborted fetuses. one week there were festive singalongs, soon thereafter there were bonfires of kurt vonnegut books and john lennon albums. i learned about all the different satanists from elton john to elvis presley to judy blume.
i only wish i was kidding.
anyway, even at this age i knew what my deal was regarding gender/gayness/whatever, so i knew these people would probably physically kill me if they knew. but that wasn't enough to get me to stop going. not even when they claimed the UPC code was the signifier of the beast or that the 1982 planetary alignment would bring forth the apocalypse. no, what happened was john lennon got shot. and the following week, they were so happy, conrad. they were yipping and smiling and laughing, "take that, satan!"
that day is just seared into my memory. i never looked at god and christians the same way again. whatever grace and goodness there is in the world, i know it didn't come from the church. the christians' subsequent years of gay-bashing and record-banning and book-burning--not to mention the jaw-dropping hypocracy of pedophile priests and philandering pastors from bakker and swaggart to ol' paul crouch--only reinforced my negative views. it opened my eyes and taught me to seek god on my own terms and to avoid his self-professed followers like the plague.
having said that--i have often found comfort in the gospel and i refuse to let the so-called christians take that away from me.
i'm not sure what, if any, salvation awaits us. but i know for a fact that we walk more in christ's footsteps when we walk away from the big-money, big-judgement machine of "christianity" than we do when we accept the false fellowship of bigots and hypocrites. one struggles to imagine a god that would allow such hateful and blasphemous followers.
i'm sorry you've come to such a difficult place. i understand it, i agree with it, but still, i'm sorry. it's a lonely and painful thing.
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Date: 2004-11-06 05:04 am (UTC)i only wish i was kidding.
anyway, even at this age i knew what my deal was regarding gender/gayness/whatever, so i knew these people would probably physically kill me if they knew. but that wasn't enough to get me to stop going. not even when they claimed the UPC code was the signifier of the beast or that the 1982 planetary alignment would bring forth the apocalypse. no, what happened was john lennon got shot. and the following week, they were so happy, conrad. they were yipping and smiling and laughing, "take that, satan!"
that day is just seared into my memory. i never looked at god and christians the same way again. whatever grace and goodness there is in the world, i know it didn't come from the church. the christians' subsequent years of gay-bashing and record-banning and book-burning--not to mention the jaw-dropping hypocracy of pedophile priests and philandering pastors from bakker and swaggart to ol' paul crouch--only reinforced my negative views. it opened my eyes and taught me to seek god on my own terms and to avoid his self-professed followers like the plague.
having said that--i have often found comfort in the gospel and i refuse to let the so-called christians take that away from me.
i'm not sure what, if any, salvation awaits us. but i know for a fact that we walk more in christ's footsteps when we walk away from the big-money, big-judgement machine of "christianity" than we do when we accept the false fellowship of bigots and hypocrites. one struggles to imagine a god that would allow such hateful and blasphemous followers.
i'm sorry you've come to such a difficult place. i understand it, i agree with it, but still, i'm sorry. it's a lonely and painful thing.