Latent Periscopic Embolism

I was driving home tonight on the freeway and extremely bored. So bored, that I actually listened to two Styx songs in a row on the radio, and I hate Styx a lot.

Then an ad came on the radio. A woman was talking to something with a comical cartoony little voice. Soon it became apparent that she was talking to some type of feminine hygiene product, because the cartoony little voice said "I can help with vaginitis, too!" Together, she and the product were plotting something. Then she said "Hush, he's coming!"

Then her husband enters the playlet and she tells them they have something special planned tonight. The cartoony feminine hygiene product pipes up and the three of them have a conversation about how they're not going to use a condom tonight, but instead going to use Buffergel, the new gel that somehow protects against something: whether it's HIV or pregnancy is not made clear in the ad.

Finally, the announcer comes on and tells you that Buffergel is only available on a testing basis and they want "loving couples" to call them to get some money and free Buffergel.

So it was just basically your usual threesome/cartoon voice/feminine hygiene/sex aid/research study ad.

I really have nothing further to say. Except EXTERMINATE THE BRUTES

Presidential Address

With credit to Stimps for the concept.

Mr. Speaker, Justices of the Supreme Court, honorable members of the Senate and the House, and all of America, good evening.

As you know, we face a great national crisis, perhaps the greatest in our history. The world watches us daily and looks to us for guidance and leadership, for some light in a dark world.

For too long we have been idle; we have dallied too long and slept leaning on our swords. Tonight I bring you a new America. An America that does not bend. An America that is ready to fight. Tonight we begin a war on the most terrible scourge of our century: Light Rock Stations.

This will not be an easy battle, nor will it be a short one. Many things will happen in the dark, in hiding, and using weapons and tactics that are new to all of us. We can expect to suffer and experience loss, but we may also expect to win victory in the end.

Let me draw for you a picture. On a balmy summer night, a parachuted figure drifts silently out of the sky into the roof of KYSR 98.7, Star 98 Los Angeles, one of our sworn enemies. She pauses to lay aside her 'chute and crouches for a moment by the satellite downlink, then rappels down into the alley and speeds off on her Vespa. Minutes later a tremendous flash and blast rends the night sky and the building vanishes into ash and rubble.

This is the war we fight. Together, as Americans, we reject the crawling, festering plague of light rock stations. Together we stand. In this long road we walk together, we must remain steadfast and loyal to our principles and each other. With this strength we will defeat the Evil Ones.

Thank you, and good night.

[Exit to "We Want the Airwaves" by the Ramones]