D.A.R.E. TO KEEP KIDS OFF RUGS

[substitute]

1. SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! GO TO CHURCH!
   
   
2. Our nation's funeral directors are ready for the moment when terror strikes. Eager, even. Let's roll in our graves, America! (Folks we couldn't make this shit up if we tried. Evelyn Waugh is dead, too.)
   
   
3. This person makes collages entirely constructed of wine labels!
   
   
4. AREA ROOSTER CALLS UPON GOD, IS SAVED. I want this Islamic Chicken to fight that goat what has Dale Earnhardt's number on it.
   
   
5. It's a bag for sleeping! A bag for walking! A walking sleeping bag!!
   
   
6. Today's phrase, courtesy WFMU, is PAT ROBERTSON'S AGE-DEFYING PANCAKES