I have heard about this mummification. I find it hard to believe that there was no Bjornix involved. But maybe it was a case of adipose mummification. Perhaps humans have stopped rotting. No, anyone in emergency services will tell you this is not true. But what if there is a mummification syndrome spreading. Hmm.

But very likely, yes, we can help! With the patented solvent-bitumen mixtures, we can make a cleaner, a more flexible mummy, one that waits patiently for the bus, keeping hands to the self, no groping or pushing, smelling positively sweet as the Nubian Queen of Kemet.

And I hear that some of your fantasy football fans are excellent subjects for this treatment. They are already used to the aesthetic distance problem. If we could taunt them slyly into the afterlife, they could run simulation forever in natronic circuitry. What say? Do we have a plan? Mummyship needs a new quantum froth gasket.