To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure what parts of that are fictitious and what parts really happened. I have it on Good Authority that the last three paragraphs are completely accurate.

(Of course, Good Authority is currently hanging upside-down by his ankles, trying to breath through his nose, because his mouth is stuffed with a butt plug, his eyelids are taped open, and his head is forcibly braced into a position where he can only watch recorded video loops of Weekend Update With Tony Snow from the FoxNewsChannel of May 2003— so what does Good Authority know about anything?)